Everybody hurts

God, I feel so helpless. Useless. Unworthy. Alone.

I can't take it.

WHeee!!

So I had a good day. And wanted to write about it lol. then I didn't know where to start....hmm

Well, I graduated from teachers college in December. EXCITING!! So now I am doing relief teaching, covering classes when the teachers are sick or have their comulsory days off.
I have had good days and bad days (12-13 year old boys....ugh. I had 3 in tears the other day....drama).
But today...awwww!!! Man I am so meant to teach junior school kids. I had 6-7 year olds. ANd they were just so sweet!! I got so many quick little hugs, and one of the boys kept playing with my earrings hehe (they are silver and dangly and shiny....I understand the attraction =P ). And one of the wee boys at one stage was lined up nicely with his buddy, but then kept running up to hold my hand and give me a smile then run back to his buddy...aww! His face just lit up when I smiled back. ANother girl just sat near me during singing and rested her head on my knee occassionally. So sweet.

It was just so amazing, I mean this is the first time these kids had ever seen me, and the fact that they felt comfortable to act like that, it was just such a nice feeling. I love my job!! Days like this totally make up for the more stressful ones.

As a plus, we got through all the set work easily too and had time for games, so that was even better!

Any yep, I sound like an excited high school kid in this. I DON'T CARE!! lol. I have to be professional while I am at school, which is fine, but I am feelin a little crazy right now and as I don't drink my way of letting out the crazy is to revert to high school talk. WHoo!

Aaand I am booked for Monday already, taking the baby class, aww (5-6 yr olds) =D

happy happy happy!

Unfinished chapter

I havn't updated for a while. I'm pretty terrible at keeping these things. I started off a story a while back, was going to attempt NaNoWriMo, but I failed terribly. Anyway, here is what I got done of my "novel" (hah). Enjoy!
PS: BTW, this has not been edited or anything, so sorry about spelling/grammar mistakes etc.

Chapter One

As the day grey later, the sky darkened and the presently gentle breeze started stirring the trees above Jazmyn head into a frenzy. The cloads moving in overhead warned the girl that she had better get under cover, and quick.
'Ugh, just my luck' she muttered, attempting to disentangle from her hair a particularly thorny little branch that the wind had tossed at her. Giving up in disgust Jaz left it there, adding to her already wild appearance.
The forest surrounding Jazmyn was ancient, full of proud giants who had withstood the ravages of time for longer than any of her people could remember. Pausing for an instant to rest her hand on an old oak tree, Jaz drew on its strength and whispered her thanks before continuing along the hidden path.

Not far away, high up in the tossing branches, Semlin gave a whoop and tumbled through several layers of branches before catching himself and zooming away, chattering away to nobody in particular in his excitement. Paria and Vaugn shook their heads at the youngsters antics, and slowly moved to gather the clan together. The time had come.

'JazJazJazJazJAZ!' was the only warning that individual had of approaching company, as Semlin launched himself off a branch to tackle hug Jazmyn to the ground.
'Oy, gerrof me ya crazy feathered fool' Jaz playfully greeted her friend, whom she had not seen for almost six moon cycles.
'Feathered fool yourself Jazzy Jaz!' Sem giggled. 'What are you trying to do, become a tree-girl?' Using nimble fingers he swiftly untangled the branch that had caught in her hair, removing several leaves and twigs at the same time. 'Can't go seeing the elders looking like that nonono they won't recongnize their own grand-daughter, think you're a tree they will!' Keeping up his non-stop babble, Semlin and Jazmyn made their way into the centre of the grove of trees that housed their homes.

'That is enough, young Semlin' Paria gently quieted the youngster, opening her arms to welcome Jazmyn home. After gladly embracing her Grandmother and Grandfather, Jaz took a seat beside them and looked over their gathered peoples with shining eyes. How she had missed them all! There were many faces Jaz had not seen in what felt like an age, and it filled her heart to see them all so happy and well. 'There's Leonara, and Spook, and Hilina, Sharina and Thelina, and there's Lowry and Narime....' her eyes darted over friends and familys' faces. But there was one missing.
'Grandmother?' Jaz whispered. 'Where is Rojaan?'
An unexplainable flash of emotion glanced over Paria's face, and was gone in the next instant.
'We will speak of him later my child' her Grandmother murmered back, gesturing for Jaz to be silent as Vaugn had stood to silence the gathered crowd.

Whispers

This is one of the first poems I wrote, and yes, it is depressing, but it spoke to me at the time. My penpal, and to a lesser extent myself, were going through some rough times and this helped me get it all out.

Whispers

The silver blade whispers to me
As I hold it in my hand
‘Just one little cut’ it says
‘Now just a little more’

I look at my arm
What have I done?
The blood runs so freely
But why do I feel so numb?

I know I cannot tell you
You wouldn’t understand
How the blade whispers to me
As I hold it in my hand

Its hold on me gets stronger
As the days go by
I want to stop, I really do
But I give up with a sigh

I look over my life
These past two years
‘Why would anybody want me?’
As I give in to tears

‘Just one more cut’ the blade it says
As I hold it to my wrist
I know just what to do now
I end it with a twist

The silver blade whispers to me
Falling out of my lifeless hand
One more life is ended
Why, I don’t understand.

Homelessness

Talkin to the same friend on msn, I asked for a topic to write about. This friend gave me the topic 'Homelessness'. So here is another little ditty written fresh from my head, yay =)

Homelessness

A bridge, a stoop, a plain park bench
who knows where I'll sleep this day
a church, a car, a cardboard box
All fairly good, I must say

I could be a rich man with no friends
I could be a baby hungry and wet
I could be a middle man worked to the bone
But no i'm me! You know I bet...

You would think i'm rather shabby
And hungry too, probably quite poor
However I say, My lifes the best
Sometimes they let me, sleep in the store@

My Heart to Yours

I just wrote this poem in about 10 mins, because I havn't written in a year or two and a friend said I should write something. So here is a poem fresh from my mind, I may alter it later but it can go up here as it is.

My Heart to Yours

Whats yours is mine
Til death do us part
Strong words to be said
To you from my heart

Forever we stand
United we fall
From your baseball cap
To my woollen shawl

If only this life
Treated all this fair
Then maybe your heart
Wouldn't start to tear

You would stand tall
Your love by your side
Instead of this feeling
Of having to hide

From my heart to yours
I pray you to heal
Break open that shell
and allow you to feel.

Child of the Goddess

This story was an English assessment at High School, the task being to write the first chapter of a story in a genre of our choice. I love fantasy novels and especially love the auther Traci Harding, so thats where my inspiration came from. I think I got a merit for this piece which I was gutted about because my teacher told me it was worth an excellence, but the one who moderated it didn't like fantasy works. Grr. Reading it again I think it could have been a lot better, but oh well. Here ya go.

Child of the Goddess

The sound of the wind whipping through the trees reached Ella’s ears as she soaked in the old-fashioned claw footed tub. Swirling the bubbles through her fingers she reached over to the radio with her free hand and turned up the volume, smiling as the sound of her favourite song echoed through the marble and stone bathroom. “Candles set on a cloth of red, memories floating through my head” she sang along, making sure her long auburn curls were secure on the top of her head.

Ella lived in a big old house on the edge of town. A lot of people thought the house ugly and a bit scary, but Ella loved it. It was a big sprawling two-storey house; built with big grey stone slabs with a pointed slate roof and a rounded tower attached to one end, facing east, a perfect place to watch the sun rise. The whole place, including the twenty-five hectare section, which contained now horse-less stables and a guest house which had once been the maids quarters, was surrounded by a thick, five metre high hedge which made the place very secluded and isolated. The house was probably originally built for someone of the lesser nobility many centuries ago, someone with a big family and many servants. Ella lived alone, but she didn’t mind. She had her budgie and her cats for company, and unlike most young women she was not easily scared, so the strange creaks and moans of the old house didn’t bother her in the slightest.

Pottering around in the kitchen later, Ella suddenly paused, then smiled. “Shae.” she said reaching for the phone, picking it up just as it started ringing. See, Ella was…well, not exactly a ‘witch’ as people defined them, but close enough. She called herself a child of the Goddess, as all other terms seemed to have a bad feeling attached to them. Ella had certain abilities that most people didn’t. Magickal abilities. Teleportation, which is the ability to transfer one’s body, and anything else you are touching, from one place to another instantly, was her fortĕ, but she was also adept at mind reading (knowing what others are thinking and feeling, just by looking at them) and telekinesis, which meant she was able to lift and move objects with her mind alone. All of these drained her strength, so she didn’t use them much, only when Shae was near.

Shae was her tutor, her mentor, her Merlin if you will. His voice sounded stern through the phone. “Be at the Stones in one hour. Do not keep me waiting” came the curt voice down the line, then all Ella could hear was the dial tone. She hung up the receiver and went to get ready, she was used to those phone calls.

“Come on puss.” Ella picked up the little grey fur ball that had just hurtled into the kitchen and walked to the bottom of the stairs, the kittens’ purr sounding too loud for his tiny body. Ella loved her cats, she had found this kitten half drowned in the fields a month ago and it was a miracle he had survived. She quickly named him Mystik as he became her constant companion when she was studying her magick.

A big black bound book and a red pen came flying out of the next room and followed Ella and Mystik sedately up the stairs to her study, a circular room in the tower on the end of the house. This study had been her mother’s, and her grandmother’s, and her grandmother’s grandmother’s, back about 7 generations. They had all practised their magick in this room, so it was only right that Ella should too. The Rosewood door gleamed in the lamplight, and inside the room candles lit as she entered. Ella said a prayer of thanks to the Goddess, as she always did before studying her craft. Sitting down at the big rosewood desk she opened the book, which had obediently lain down with the pen neatly next to it, she started reading over the section on stars and astrology which was a part of her studies Ella had difficulty with, and one which Shae was sure to test her on at their meeting tonight.

Shae paced around the perimeter of the Kings Men Stones. He was a tall, good looking young man, with dark unruly hair and green cat’s eyes. He smiled as he walked, this site was pulsing with magickal energy just waiting to be tapped into and used, for good or for bad depending on the witch tapping it. Shae fortified the circle with his own personal energies and sat down in the centre, waiting for Ella to arrive, picturing her rushing around at the last minute, arriving exactly two minutes late as usual. Shae nodded to her in greeting, his mouth curling in a half smile as she seated herself, then concentrated and suddenly the air around them was alive with a buzzing purple mist.

Ella smiled, these lessons were the best. Shae had transported them to the Otherworld, a place in a parallel existence to their own, a world that was much cleaner, brighter and quieter than their own. A place full of magick and magickal creatures, such as dragons and fairies and the like. This was Shaes fortĕ, teleportation to alternate dimensions with the aid of the fairy folk in the otherworld. He was almost strong enough to time travel now, so he was studying hard at his magick, and spending numerous hours in meditation, learning much from unseen forces.

He placed a hand on Ella’s forehead. “Let us begin” he said. A demonic look flashed for an instant in his eyes and he caught Ella as she fell unconscious in his arms. Manic laughter filled the air around them as the world faded to black…